Binded by friendship - Episode 13

 

Amyra's POV
Here I was again. Back to the place I vowed never to show my face.

But come think of it????How would I survive without this place???There is no other place that felt like home.

Reverend Gladys was in the pulpit preaching about forgiveness and I was stuck in my thoughts wondering if I had it in me to forgive the two people who ruined my life.

"Unforgiveness is Filthy... It's a burden that comes with anger,rage,bitterness and so much sadness...." She stated...

"If forgiveness was easy,Jesus would just have collapsed and died . But he was whipped, spat on, a crown of thorns placed on his head and crucified in the middle of two thieves...Forgiveness is not easy. You have to get your heart broken,people have to disappoint you, people have to get on your last nerve,people have to lie to you, people have to betray you and take advantage of you. Even though it's sucks,it's life...." She added.

I could feel tears threatening to fall as the emotions I had been hiding begun digging up,weighing my heart down once more....Could I ever bring myself to forgiveJacob and Joseph????I don't think so...They broke my heart in ways I didn't think it could break...

I gave them my all but all they did was give me a kick in my butt.

****Three weeks ago****

"Who is Tabitha????"I asked when a message popped into the notification box as I was taking a selfie of me.

****message****
Hey honey, don't forget to call the electrician. I love you...

We all know Samsung note 9 takes awesome photos.

"That's my wife....I know it will sound crazy but I have been wanting to tell you for the past three days now...."

That jerk had some nerve....

"And when were you to tell me actually????Before we had sex or after we had sex???" I asked icily....

"She doesn't make me happy....."

They all say that....

"Then why are you still with her in the first place?!!!" I threw his phone angrily at his chest and stood up from the bed...

"Because divorce is complicated and I don't want to put my kids through that torture...." He replied arrogantly...

"And I am supposed to be put through the torture,"I was now losing it,"You know how traumatizing my past relationship was and you still toyed with my feelings...."

"People do it all the time, almost every friend of mine has a mistress..

All episodes of this story can be found here >> https://www.ebonystory.com/story/binded-by-friendship

. What the big deal as long as I am emotional available when it's important and give you a good life????" He asked with a straight face...

" I don't want to be a mistress Jacob...I know better than that...I will not be the reason another woman has sleepless nights and soaks her bed in tears wondering between with legs is her husband inside now..." I cussed out,throwing a pillow at him...

"You were married once and it didn't work out. Why not try out this and see how easy it is???It doesn't require a lot of commitment....."

"Just get out before I am charged with murder. The last thing I want is the police picking up a unrecognized male body from this place..." My hands balled into fists against my palms.

"Why don't you give me time to think about the whole leaving her idea????" He stood from the bed and walked towards me with a smile that barely reached his lips...

"Just leave...." I rolled my eyes and walked out of the room...

****present day****
I felt tears streaming down my face and wiped them hastily...

After the bible study was over, people began leaving the  church and I sat there angry,bitter and ashamed of myself...

I wanted to close my eyes and open my heart to God but I was afraid he wouldn't listen.

I was sleeping with another woman's husband, that's adultery...Many times I have wished she would die so that he would marry me, that's been selfish. I have tried to fight the urge to be his mistress but I can't help think about it at times.

My self respect is against it but my heart is too weak.

How then can he listen to me???How hypocritical is it to cry in his presence????

"Sister Amyra, I haven't seen you in Bible study for three weeks..Are you okay????" Reverend Gladys took a sit beside me.

"I slept with a married man and it's killing me...." This time I let the tears fall...

"Did you know he was married????" She inquired.
"I came to find out later......"

"What matters is not what happened before you found out but what you did after you found out...."

"But I love him and I just can't forget him with a snap...." I choked out between sobs....

"Forbidden fruit might be sweet but it's still forbidden. When you don't know what to do just pray..."

"But will God even listen to me???I am a homewrecker,An adultress and a selfish desperate woman who wishes the wife was dead....." I said in an almost loud voice feeling infuriated with my messed up situation...

"Galatians 5:16 Let the spirit direct your life and you will not satisfy human desires...."

"For once I thought God had restored me and answered my prayer of having a family of my own. I guess he does have favourites...."

My life seemed like one hell of a joke...I was tired of this life filled with pain and misery...

"God has no favourites. Have you ever had that the rain only pours on the side of those who claim to be good people?? No,it's pours on everyone because we are all his children. Don't be hard on yourself,God is a merciful and forgiving God...He will guide you and correct you through the help of the Holy Spirit. Just remember in all times pray.."

"Okay!!!!" I mouthed.
"Here is a key to my prayer room....You can go and pray there as long as you want but I want this key back  tomorrow morning...." She flashed me a smile that almost looked sweet but I had a feeling it was lined with razor's edge...

"Thank you...." I took the key from her and for what seemed like forever I stared at it.

"It wouldn't hurt to try...." I shrugged and stood up to go to her prayer room...

For few minutes, on my knees I looked around the simple room still clueless on what to say until  I read something like a Bible verse Infront of me...

Psalms 147:13
You heal the broken hearted and bandage their wounds...

There and then I realized all I had to do was pour out my pain to him. He is God,he wouldn't look at me with disgust or judge me like most people would. He would understand and be merciful.

I clasped my hands together and closed my eyes,"Dear Heavenly Father,creator of Heaven and Earth...Forgive me for I have sinned. I am hurting and I want it to stop..." I paused for a while and sobbed unceasingly....

"For the past years,my heart has been broken in ways I didn't think were possible and it still hurts..I never understand why they all hurt my feelings. I want to be loved, to feel worthy, to be respected and cherished... But since it hasn't happened, Fill me with peace and joy I know can only come from you during this time. Walk closely beside me because I can't do this alone.

Read " Pierced Rose " by the same author ( Fideh Mwangi )

. God I love Jacob so much although I know it's wrong. I know it's for my own good to forget him but it's not easy. Everyday I just wish that him been married is a bad dream that I will soon wake up from but it's not. I don't want to be the mistress but I feel like slowly I am considering this awful suggestion. Guide me Lord and help me be strong for my sake because at the end of the day I am the one that will get hurt...Let me forget this married man and put my hope on you to give me my own man. I wanna stop covering him, I wanna stop wishing death on Tabitha,as a woman I wanna forgive myself for been a homewrecker and trying to snatch a father from his kids...I know it won't be easy but just help me because I don't want Tabitha to go through what I went through....I wanna stop hating myself,I wanna stop feeling guilty and ashamed and forgive myself... I wanna stop having high hopes of Jacob and I getting back together because it hurts. Just hold my hand God because I can't on my own...Please heal my broken heart and bandage my wounds because am in so much pain...Amen..."

As I finished the prayer,I felt a huge burden had been lifted off my chest. As I cried, I could feel my pain been washed away.

Deep inside I felt like God listened and sympathized with me. That he was ready to walk me out of this mess as long as I allowed him...

Just after locking the prayer room, my phone pinged with a message. It was from Jacob...

****message****
I am leaving Tabitha.....

A/N
This chapter was more spiritual because Amyra is a spiritual girl that feels lost and she trying to find her back....We have all been there at some point...