Binded by friendship - Episode 14

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Eve's POV
It's truly amazing how every time someone feels emotional pain, it hurts so much more than a cut or bruise would....

The torturous words from my argument with Nick earlier were like this sad song that can't stop playing in your  head.

"A woman who can give me kids....."
"Don't expect me to be waiting...."

"It ain't worth it...."

"Do you still love him????"

The pain I was feeling was like a knife twisted  in my spine,it shot up fast paralyzingly my whole body.

Nicholas Kame was the only man who knew who I was beneath the surface.

He saw through my demons and flaws and embraced them. He loved me even when I was to disgusted to love myself.

He made me feel worthy, deserving and wanted...

I ruined that!!!!I broke the heart of the only man I was sure would take a bullet for me if need be.

The only man who would fight the whole world just to make me happy...

I am a selfish bitch . A girl so selfish that suffocates a man and crashes his dreams just because she can't do without him. 

Is this really love because it doesn't feel like it. Nicholas always wanted children and knowing that I can't make that wish come true, I let him stay....

He doesn't deserve to deal with this crazy girl or living with fear

All episodes of this story can be found here >> https://www.ebonystory.com/story/binded-by-friendship

. Always looking at me like a ticking bomb ready to explode.

He deserves better. A woman who would give him children and make him happy. I can't even handle myself, how will I handle us???

Although it breaks my heart, I have to let him go...
From the argument earlier, I sensed anger and pain in his voice.

I thought he understood but I was wrong.
He never talked about the miscarriage, all he used to say is,"I am here,we will get through this...."

What if for the past two years, he has been resenting me. Blaming me for the loss of our child. I am the one carrying a useless uterus, everything is good on his side...

Every time we argue, he will always bring up the fact that I can't give him a perfect family .I don't want to live with the guilt of not letting him go and be happy just because I am in love. It's sick... 

"Why is life is fucking unfair?????" Once the first tear broke, the rest followed in an unbroken stream.

"Why do they always leave me????Why do I always mess things up???Why I am never enough????"

"Because you are unlovable. Nobody wants to be around a crazy bitch..." The monster was back again and this time I didn't have the energy to push him away...

"I love Nicholas....."I said softly...

"He doesn't love you or else he wouldn't have been mean to you...You can never give him kids.You are useless..."It whispered in a cold tone...

"I am not useless..I am a successful musician...."

"I am coming for you!!!!..."

"Leave me alone!!!!...."

"Your mother was barely there when you needed her. Your dad chose his work over you...Aren't you tired of not been enough?????"

"Just go away...."I pressed my hands on my ears...

"We both know I am right. Just do it,end your life once and for all Eve. Nobody wants you!!!"

"Leave me alone...." I screamed and shot up from the bed...

"Nobody loves you!!!!!!"

"They love me!!!!Get out of my head!!!" I shook my head vigorously that I was afraid it would snap....

"Stop!!!!!!!" I pleaded....

"Do it Eve!!! Physical pain is better than emotional pain!!!!It won't hurt Eve,it won't hurt. You have done it many times....." He chuckled...

"I don't want to....Stop please!!!!" I shut my eyes tight....

"No one cares about you....."

"Please....." I curled into a Foetal position rocking myself back and forth....

"Eve dear?????" I heard my mom's voice from a distance.
"Mom is here dear,open your eyes...." She stuttered.

"Make it stop!!!!" I cried out desperately....

"Wake up dear.Everything will be okay...."

I felt her lift me up and placed me on her chest...

"I am here my dear...I am not going anywhere...."She wrapped her arms around me..

I sobbed unceasingly on her chest not sure if to be mad or happy she was there....

"Do I set an appointment with Mrs Okafa dear????"

Unbelievable just when I thought for once she would be there for me,as usual she had to throw her motherly duties on someone else...

"I want to be alone...."I said in a whisper and pulled away from her embrace....

"Dear, I wanna be here for you...."

"No you don't....I am a burden to you mom and that why instead of being there for me when I need you, you want to throw me into the arms of a therapist...."

"I can't help you like she can...Do you think I feel good seeing you like this????" There was a layer of pain in her tone...

"I don't like to see myself like this too. But just for once I wanted you to hold me and tell me everything will be okay. I don't want my manager or my music producer, I want my mom...." I stood from the bed, feeling a little lightheaded.

I haven't a good meal for four days now and it's not because I don't want to but my appetite is kinda low...

"I will go with you to see her and be by your side all the way if that's what you want...."

"Dad chose to take that Research job in the States but every time you would fly there to be with him. Why???Because you said he needed you and it must have been lonely for him there without us....But what about me???Did I not need you???? I needed my mom to walk me through my teenage life, to remind me of how beautiful I was when I couldn't appreciate myself, talk to me about sex and boys but you weren't there...Nanny Naina was..." I choked out between sobs...

I waited for her to say something but she didn't....She just cried her eyes out with her hands covering her mouth...

"I always waited for you mom to put me first. Waited for the day I will be your priority. Waiting for the day you will look at this broken girl and instead of trying to fix her,just hold her and tell her everything will be okay because I am here...."

"I love you Eve...." She stammered, standing up from the bed.

"Just get out mom!!" I said in an authoritative tone...

"Don't do this!!!!" She pleaded, taking careful small steps towards me...

" For years I have done great without you...When I needed a shoulder to lean on, everyone was there apart from my parents which is something I am used to...."

"This time I will be here...."

I looked at her with trembling lips and she read my mind.  She wrapped her arms around me,hugging me close as I cried on her shoulders....

I needed her to do that. I needed her to want to be there for me...

I didn't want her walking away from me. I was an angry girl in pain who wanted Rebecca Minnie to be a mother and not leave the room. To brush off all the hurtful words said by the daughter and embrace her because that's what mothers do.
Be there for their children no matter what....

"No therapy if you don't want it baby....I know I have put my career and your father first in the past but things have changed. All I want is for you my daughter to be fine and we will do it together....." She assured, rubbing my back soothingly....

"Do you promise mom???!" Everything sounded to good to be true...

"I cross my heart baby...Mama will be with you all the way..."

"I love you mom....."

"Me too baby...so much.."

I was feeling a little weak but I couldn't tell her since I didn't want her freaking out...

I have had poor eating habits of late and it's worrying.

"Mom, I would like to have some rest...." I drew back from the hug and got back into bed...

"Are you okay??" She placed the back side of her hand on my forehead.

"I will be....." I strained a smile...

"Have a goodnight sleep, I will have Linda prepare something for you..." She briskly wipe the tears from my eyes.

"I am not hungry mom...Just switch off the lights on your way out...." 

I pulled the sheets above my head and pretended to be asleep... 

"Eve, she is throwing her motherly duties to the therapist like she always does.." The monster whispered.

"Just go away!!!!!" I buried my face in the pillow...

"You are a burden...."

"My mom loves me, she will be there for me....."

"It's just pity honey!!Everyone is there because of pity...."

"Why are you doing this?????"

"Because you don't listen. I am the only one who cares and  I hate seeing you like this...Just end it once and for all...."

"Leave me alone!!!!!"

"Do it!!  You are all alone!!!Would you rather die or see Nick with another woman???Would you rather end it once and for all or see everyone around you get tired of you???"

I bit my lip to keep from crying out loud. I wanted to control the monster in my head but every time he was back,he was stronger and more convincing.

I was going crazy!!!!!

"Just stop!!!!....."

I just wanted him to stop!!!!!!

"The pills are still where we always hide them...."

I was about to reply back when I heard the door flung open.
"Eve, are you asleep????" It was Tamara...

"Just go away Tammie....." 

"Not until you talk to me!!!!!"
The sheets were wrenched off me...

"I don't wanna talk to you. I just want to be alone...." I rolled onto my back,eyes on her...

"You look like a mess Eve."

"Thanks for pointing out the obvious...." I turned around and clutched a pillow tight to my chest...

"When my mother died,"I felt her body beside me,"I could cry on your shoulders every night on this bed. Every time I felt alone or sad, you were there....And now Eve I want to be there for you...."

"I am grieving Tammie....I am not good enough for Nick anymore....."

"But he is the one who cheated on you first and it's just logical you would kiss Mason. You were hurting...."

"He wasn't cheating on me.That is his sister....." I replied dryly, regrets taunting me with great intensity.

"What?????"
"Surprise!!!!!"

"I don't understand how he has a sister...You said his mother died during childbirth and the baby too...."

"I don't know what to believe anymore Tammie...." I sat up and raised my knees to my chest.

"Do you still love Mason Marcias?????"Tamara sat up on her knees Infront of me....

"Of course not!!!!!!" I answered defensively...

"Okay....So what do you want Eve????What do you exactly want?????" She asked in quiet emphasis...

"I want to set Nicholas free...I don't think he ever forgave me for the miscarriage. Today he mentioned that finally he might be able to be with a woman who can have children..." Tears welled up my eyes...

"He said that?????" Shock was written all over Tamara's face..

"Yeah and I don't want to hold him back just because I love him. I want him to be happy and loving him is not enough...." Tears dripped from my eyes and I quickly wiped them away...

"That miscarriage wasn't your fault, your uterus can't hold a baby...And he said vows during your wedding that he will be there for you through bad times and good times till death do you part....."

"I guess we don't always get what we want in life.."

"I don't justify what you did yesterday but he is an asshole for saying such mean words to you...Whatever you decide to do Eve,I am right beside you...." The anger behind Tamara's voice felt like a living thing ready to eat up everything around it...

"Thank you...." I smiled and wrapped my arms around her in gratitude.

At times we might say we want to be alone but in real sense we just want someone to be there for us even though we don't want them to be.

Tamara was like the sister I never had. This room was our sanctuary where we remove our masks and be ourselves....

We have always been each other's strength and support.

I don't mean that Vivian and Amyra aren't our strength and source of support too but we know each other in a different kind of depth...

"We should video call the girls, they were worried about you...." Tamara suggested, sitting beside me.

"Do you miss all of this???" I asked,looking around the room.

"So much....Back then when life wasn't so complicated..."

She video-called Amyra and added Vivian into the call...

"I was so worried Eve,how are you????" Amyra asked in a sympathetic tone...
"I am hanging in there...."

"Damn Eve, I thought I was crazy but you girl deserve the most craziest girl award...."

I know it wasn't funny but I just found myself laughing.

If you think about it,  which married woman would kiss a married man at a public place with no shame of getting caught???I am crazy....

"I can't stop looking at the video. You just kissed Mason Marcias with no shame at a bar...Are you sexually starved honey????" Vivian has this way of making a situation seems funny when it shouldn't....

"There is a video?????" Tamara asked shockingly.

"Yes girl and if I didn't  know Eve well, I would say she is still in love with Mason...." Vivian pointed out...

"She is not....." Tamara and I said in unison...

"I don't believe you but let me pretend to believe you....Anyway Tamara how was work today????" Vivian tucked her lips not to laugh...

"You are dead Viv. I missed my meeting today...Listening to you is always a bad idea...." Tamara cussed out....

" I told you, you would regret that in the morning....." Amyra chuckled....

What was I missing????

"Guys I am in the dark, what happened????" I cried out...

"Vivian tricked Tamara into drinking so much last night. I am even surprised you guys woke up today...."

" You are an awesome drinking buddy Tammie...Eve is not that I am ditching you but I will send you a video of the worst karaoke night of the season...." Vivian laughed..

"You took a video of me singing????" Tamara asked in a pissed tone. And if it were possible she would have punched Vivian through the phone....

"I have never been sure of something in my life like the fact that Tamara was never meant to sing...

Read " My only addiction " by the same author ( Fideh Mwangi )

. I am still traumatized...." Vivian faked a sob.

Amyra and I were laughing so hard that my ribs were actually aching....

"Viv, you are dead girl....." Tamara was so mad that I was afraid steam would start coming out of her ears....

" I am scared, can someone save me from the lady with the screeching  voice??" Vivian shook like a leaf pretending to scared as hell of Tamara's threats....

"When was the last time you had sex Viv????Still making bad choices with men. Atleast Garry came over my place, cooked for me and made me feel heaven on earth....."

My mouth dropped open as I stared at Tamara with amazed silence.
Damn girl!!!!!

"Who is Garry????" Amyra asked.

"Tamara's crush. He is a private investigator...." I replied...

"Did the cat take your tongue Viv????"Tamara asked in a mocking tone...

Vivian tried to speak but it only came out as a muffled sound...

I don't get why Vivian never learns. Every time they trade insults with each other, she is the one who always ends up speechless...

"How comes I don't know about this Garry guy????"Amyra cried out...
"Because we just started seeing each other just recently...." Tamara replied dryly....

"Okay...Eve looks tired, we will hang up for now talk to you guys later...." She disconnected the call and threw her phone on the bed...

"How was it?????" I asked excitedly....
"I kicked him out of my house after sex....." She shrugged and scrambled off the bed.

"What?????"
"I need a drink right now....I am sure the alcohol levels in my body are below optimum...." She walked over to my fridge,opened it and retrieved a bottle of red wine...

"What about we finish this conversation on the balcony just like old times????"She wiggled her eyebrows mischievously....

The balcony was bitterly cold at night but beautiful with the Stars twinkling in the sky...

In the balcony is where we hung out, talk about boys,laugh and cry about our relationships...

"I am falling for him Eve...I thought after telling him to leave I would stop feeling what I was feeling but I ended up regretting and missing him...." She drained the wine in her glass.

"I know you are scared to get your heart broken but it's part of life. You will love someone who will break your heart, someone will love you and you will break their heart....Its not science that can be explained..."

"What if I don't recover???What if I love him so much that it ends up hurting me???Look what love did to my mom...It broke her in many unexplainable ways.I am scared..."

"You are not her. You are a strong girl whom I have watched fight and work double as hard to be where she is now. A girl who isn't afraid to achieve her dreams. A girl who always finds a way to make things work. Loosen up Tammie,don't let the fear of the unknown hold you from experiencing love..."

Unlike me who didn't have to struggle with my career,my mom been my music producer and my manager,Tamara had to always fight her way to the top. She has never been a quitter and she always succeeds in what she puts her head into...That's what's makes her an amazing investigative reporter...

"I will try but I won't promise. For now let's finish this bottle of wine as you tell me more about your new song and album...."

"That's a very boring topic you have chosen...."

"But Atleast is one that won't make you sad....."

A/N
Team Vivian or team Tamara??