OBLITERATE - Episode 1

 

Past

Daitoro

I have always loved water as it beats down my tender skin. I scrub my body harshly as if it will scrub away the hurt, pain and confusion my life is made up of right now. But, I know my skin will be tender and hurt after my shower because of the excessive scrubbing and scalding water. But, a feeling of not caring urges me on. 

I sincerely wish the bathe can be therapeutic as it is often portrayed in the novels, but it isn't . The ache is still there, lurking closely, and waiting to show its face soon when I give it the chance. 

I am using the lavendar scented body wash to wash my self. It was my mother's best body wash. She favoured everything with a lavender scent, and I got used to it. Even my dad, used it, it was contagious for us, especially with the fact that she was the one who bought our toiletries. 

Using it now, when she has been put into her final resting place makes me feel nostalgic of all the times I could smell the scent a mile away, and know that my mother was near. It was always her trademark scent, and I suddenly miss it. I can not help wondering if I will buy it, when we run out of stock. 

Now, it will only remind me of what was, what is gone, and what cannot be gotten back in the next years, till I also join her. 

My mother's death and funeral has taken its toll on me. I had tried to be mentally prepared for her death knowing it was going to come soon

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. But, it did not prepare me for the pain I will feel. The many tears that will fall silently, my ribs aching because of the excessive crying. The condolences,  the tears in choosing the funeral clothe she will wear among other things. 

During the process, I hallucinated her sitting, and laughing, telling me "Mine, these people thinks they love me but they don't. It is all an act. They really wish I am gone, unknown to them, I am here. Only you and your dad actually loves me. Family is the only people that loves you endlessly "

I saw my mother turn into a shadow of herself before she finally passed on. Inwardly, I had hoped she will pull through. But, wishes are not horses. I also know that it is better she left than to continue suffering. 

"Dust to dust, earth to earth" echoes in my head as I remember the priest's solemn voice while my mother was lowered into the grave. 

I remember that I stood stoically with my black gown and an umbrella while leaning on my father's shoulder, in a bid to pull through it without breaking down there. While trying to tap strength from him. 

I cannot begin to imagine what he must be going through right now. Though she was my mother for thirteen years, they have been together for nearly eighteen years. He loved her dearly. Daddy always say that we are his two favourite women since he had no sister, and his mother passed on. He demonstrated it in his actions. 

I wonder how I'll get over the pain when I finally unlock it. Maybe I can keep it buried forever. 

There  was a little time frame from my mother's death to her burial in the cemetery. Mom had left instructions that she should be buried immediately, beside my paternal grandparents grave. They had formed quite a bond before she married my dad, and it continued till their respective deaths. 

Her coffin had been black and plaited with gold edges. Black was my mother's favorite color. Now, I wonder the wisdom in it. Did it depict the sadness she felt in her life though she experienced so much joy and happiness around her? 

Did it remind her constantly that she was loosing herself as the day passed by? 

Did it often remind her of how melancholy our life will become when she will be no more there to smile that smile that will light I and my father up from the inside out? 

Leaning against my wardrobe, I decide to go through my phone. Something keeps telling me i should not but i wave it off as the exhaustion of the past few days. 

I use social media to escape reality most times especially when I'm not nose deep in a book.  A notification pops up alerting me of my friend's post, and I'm surprised because my friend Shelly rarely posts on Instagram. Curiosity gets the better of me, and I go to Instagram and search her profile. 

I feel numb. I regret not following that nagging warning to not open it.  There is Shelly hugging Frederick,  my boyfriend with a cute smile on their face that will make anyone think they were a couple. It stares me right in the face.

I read the caption which is characterized by much love emotions like a normal Nigerian teenager. I am more speechless by Frederick's lovely comment on the post. I have always begged Frederick to take shots with me but he will refuse with the excuse that he hates posting his relationships on social medias, and he is not photogenic. 

On the few occasions he consented, he will warn me not to post it on any social media platform. On one occasion, I had posted on my WhatsApp status. Finding nothing wrong with it. He had called and warned me to delete it. I thought he was not a media freak though he was on virtually all social media platform. I realize now that the problem was me all along. 

There is always compromise in relationships, it now occurred to me that with me, he never tried to compromise. But he could with Shelly. 

I'm more surprised at this turn of event because Shelly claimed she hated him. She further told me that he looks like a playboy. I guess all those was to dissuade me from seeing that she liked him, way more than was expected of her as my friend. 

The rumours around high school was true. It got more frequent when I spent more time with my mother. I thought that they were bonding over missing me in school, it is obvious that there was more to it. I did not want to believe because Shelly was my close friend. But, I can't really say anything with the proofs, and sweet words they've showered on each other. 

But, why did he choose to make this public on my mother's funeral? 

Why did he not Atleast come to sympathize with me, I was grieving my mother and all i had gotten a few days prior was a "stay strong" message. Even Shelly did not bother to come with my other school mates. Is that how little she valued our friendship? I would not do this to them if the roles were reversed. 

"It is life" as mom would often say while patting my head. 

Brandon and I started our relationship a year ago. I noticed that he kept more to himself but hung around the brainy guys. He said few words but, it was always quite impactful I must say. That got me enamored by him. 

One day, he mustered up the courage to ask me, and I turned him down. I had never wanted a boyfriend, particularly not at a tender age. 

Social media got popular, and my friends had profiles on Facebook, twitter  and the rest. It seemed as though I was the only one left behind, and uncool. 

Each time someone asked "Hey, Daitoro what is your social media handle?" I will get ashamed, and start stuttering. 

Daddy is one that believes that early exposure to technology especially phone is a bad idea. But, mom is quite the opposite. She had two smart phones which were pretty cool and she allowed me borrow it from time to time, especially when dad was not around. 

Being a naturally smart girl that I was, I opened my Facebook account without any help. Though mom had my passwords to monitor what I was doing since I was only 11 years old, and a child according to them. 

I had a strong relationship with my mother since it was mostly both of us in the house when dad went to work, as a doctor. My mother was a freelance writer. She had resigned from field journalism when she got pregnant with me, in a bid to raise me without nannies. 

During one of our holidays, I had unlimited access to my mother's phone, and I communicated with my school mates and friends. I got quite close to Brandon. We chatted late into the night, called each other as much as we could, our lives were practically intertwined. 

Brandon asked me again for a relationship, and I accepted him over the phone. That was after I had laid down principles for our relationship to work with. 

I thereafter deleted the chats, too afraid of my mother finding out that I started a relationship. Moreover, I knew that we would not do any of those adult stuffs we see in movies because we both had a strong Christian background, in addition to our principles helping us. 

Imani was ecstatic when I told her the  news. She could not believe that I was agreeing to enter into a relationship with someone, since I always seemed aversed to the idea. I can still still remember her squeals when I told her over the phone and our conversation

"Babe, I'm seriously happy for you right now" Imani said and I grinned  from ear to ear. 

She paused before opening her mouth to speak, I inwardly knew it will be something serious

"You love him right?" She asked

I was lost. Did I really love him or did I just want to feel among those that were dating. Was I trying to prove a point to my mates that I was not uncool, as I had heard many say when they thought I was not around. 

Till today, I cannot really answer why I accepted him. I definitely know that it was not because I was led, or that I loved him. I used to think it was love. But, seeing his picture with my close friend coupled with the numbness and no pain makes me question the "I love you" I have been telling him. 

I decide not to think about spilled milk. I had too much grievings to do. My broken relationship can not be added to it right now. I can not help but wonder if there is actually a thing called heartbreak because I only feel numb. 

Calling Imani pops up in my mind as an idea. No sooner do I think about it, that I shrug the idea off, because she might be sleeping right now.

I wonder why Brandon can not call to ask how I am faring

"He is probably busy with his new girlfriend" I say to myself while shrugging it off. I wont cry for him.

With the strength I did not have, I wore my pj's, climbed my bed and sleep enveloped me sooner than expected. I guess it will blot out everything  and return things to how it was a few months ago. But, I was in for a rude reawakening.