Re-lived

I had my share of satisfaction. I guess. Life has got twisted turns for me, in ways I couldn’t imagine. My heart has melted at the feeling of pleasure and hardened for the sake of desire. Sweetness I believed wasn’t a hard commodity, even though the price was my freedom. Parental care wasn’t lacked, well, to an extent. I was blessed with everything necessary, I don’t look back and feel my parents should have known better, though a part of me wants to stone blames at them for being blind, but I think that’s just the side of humans trying to play the victim card.

It was the year 1999 that got me into a different phase in life. I was in JSS2 and had begun to feel like I understood life to a great extent. The teenage feeling was so strong that I was going to burst with excitement at anything that proposed love or its look alike. I was a smart girl, but as much as I would collect a bag of romantic gestures from teenage boys and throw them in the sea, I still loved the bag. I wanted it. I desired it. I looked forward to collecting the bag. Maybe it made me feel relevant, probably beautiful, or I was just being the child who craves attention. Oh how I wanted Lanre to break through my resistance and kiss me. Yes, novels had a complete grip on me.

Meanwhile at home, I had gained the reputation of a fast growing lady. My mum flashed my lady features with her tongue. She had started to talk puberty for real this time and ideas had started to leap in my heart. My older brother who would leap off a wall for his pretty fine sister wanted to make sure I wasn’t doing anything shady, he did that by ringing his presence loud and clear and I had no choice but to hear it.

My turn to the major road came as I walked down the corridor and heard sounds. Indefinite at first, but as I paid more attention to the sound coming from my uncle’s room, I suddenly felt cold, my heart skipped. Wondered why there was a skip since normally fear was my only reason for such. Maybe I was scared of being seen standing there. As I drew closer to the door, my stomach had a feeling of unease, I felt like the white house was my portion but my anus didn’t receive no signal from the stomach.

The feelings became disconnected when I felt a presence, I turned and saw Eddy, my older brother, he had questions written all over his forehead but I had no idea what the exact questions were, so I smiled embarrassingly and walked away.

My older sister and younger brother had left the house with my mum and since my older brother Eddy was right behind me, then behind the door were my maternal uncle and aunt who had come around for the weekend to just spend a little time with mum. It seem they really do not need her help to have fun, I thought to myself. I got to my room and the sounds of s*x mo*n resounded in my head as I created a fantasy world where Lanre Adegoke and I were the ones behind that closed door. Lanre is that SSS1 senior who had become the star of my fantasy movies, yet one of the guys whose bag of gesture has been cast into the sea.

The more I stayed in that world the more I became thirsty, thirsty for a touch and I could get any drink to satisfy the thirst at the time. I opened my eyes as my bed creaked at the weight of a second party. Eddy was beside me, I gave a weak smile when he put his hand on my stomach and shut my eyes again revisiting my world with Lanre. Then it felt like Lanre was present with me, he had squeezed my stomach making my heart burn with desire for something beyond this world. Like I was sick and needed a cure. I felt Lanre perform all manner of surgeries on my bare body. It was like taking drugs for my sickness but the more I got a drug the sicker I was. The sickness worsened with every dose of what I call passion. Lanre had become a confused person in my mind as I wondered why he was drawing more thirst from my inside instead of quenching the thirst. The heart was going to burst with excitement and my loins leaped for joy as my fantasies encompassed me. He explored my body. I felt. Pleasure. Pain. Desire. Frustration. More desire. My virginity put a stop to fantasy.

I felt Eddy’s weight crumble on the bed beside me. I knew it was no fantasy. I knew my brother was being physical with me. I just refused to let light into my eyes. I played dumb. I acted like a child. After all I was just 12. But I was fully aware of my actions. Eddy stood up, wore his boxers and left my room. My eyes were still shut. Days passed, weeks went by, we said nothing about it, but I wished for another experience. I had lain on my bed at different times, faced up with eyes closed; wishing he would take the opportunity but no it didn’t come.

Then I had to create the opportunity perfectly. I had told mum I had a little headache and was slightly dizzy. The result was ‘off school.’ My mum gave me drugs and left for work with my older sister and younger brother. Eddy was awaiting WAEC result so was definitely home. My uncle and aunt’s visit had expired so I was left home with “Lanre in flesh.” I had stepped into the room after having my bath when Eddy came in. And that was the beginning of a s*x affair between my brother and I. Addiction was the drink of love-making. Desires became intense. Stolen water is sweet but stolen water from a forbidden pot is even sweeter, it didn't seem to hurt my uncle and aunt. Consistent pain at the end of the act was like labour pain, wiped away by the desire for pleasure and the love we both shared. Being paralyzed by something I couldn’t explain at the time gave me the impression that I was in love. In love with a guy that was not only handsome, but shared a lot in common with me.

Mum always said her and daddy had a lot of things in common, from ideas to values, to looks, people even asked if they were siblings, but I didn’t have to search far for love, it lived in the other room.

My defenses were broken. Desires were awakened, and it has refused to even take a nap, let alone sleep. Eddy got admission into school, I thought I could hold on, but I realized immorality doesn’t like to go on break. During my JSS3 long holiday, I visited Lanre. I wanted him to hold me to himself, to feel his warmth but you just need a clap for the body to have what to dance to. I initiated the move as we sat watching a movie, my mind was messed up. I had gotten so drawn to a world of no return. Lanre was a novice but my body didn’t care, I just wanted something to fill the hole my brother drilled in me. The result you ask? Heartache for the next two weeks.  What if Lanre had innocently released a baby into my womb? Thoughts tortured me but my scaling through that one made me more confident in my acts. Lanre became a fall back when Eddy wasn’t there. In his 200 level, he came home more often. I couldn’t understand why my parents didn’t realize that the closeness between us needed to be checked. We were siblings quite alright, but my older sister doesn’t come sleeping in my brother’s room, let alone regularly. My stone of blame anyways. Good they didn’t think too far, what controlled me made me daft to reasoning at that time.

Years had gone by, still Eddy and I found pleasure in each other’s arm. I love my other siblings but Eddy was special. As I grew, the light of my acts shines on me; my eyes became open but I was hardened by desire. I had dated, Eddy had dated but we found each other more pleasant. He tells me he loves me, I make him understand I feel same. He talks of his girlfriend and I get jealous, I mention my lover and he pulls me to himself, making love to me like he needed to pump love back into me. But we understood we can’t declare marriage to the world, or else our eyes will remain shut when men wake at dawn, yet we needed to get married.

Eddy is 33 and mum and dad are raising eyebrows. He slips a ring into a finger. Jealous? Yes I was, but he needed to. Three years went by and I still was getting physical with my brother, even in his house, since I sometimes live there. Our wife was trusting, she confides in me and I sure put her mind at ease. When husband is missing and seem like he was cheating, he surely was with his darling sister, the proof of that assures her that all was well.

Two years later I was 29 and had accepted a proposal from a fine man who I know had chosen to love me. Jide. The day he kissed me, I felt “the spark.” I awakened from the kiss to a love I really couldn’t explain. Even if I would move to Lagos with him, I was pretty sure I had found an Eddy. Preparations for the wedding were on and I still found myself under eddy making up for the years ahead.

The day of my traditional wedding, we all had assembled at my dad’s house and had excitedly performed the ceremony. Eddy had the look of bitter-sweet feeling. Same look I had on my face at his wedding. Eddy took me to his room at about 9p.m when everybody had retired to their rooms due to the stress of the day. I knew what was going to happen, and thought I should enjoy every moment, without raising a finger just like the first time when I was 12. We stood, his hands on my waist and my hands wrapped around his shoulders. As we stared into each other’s eyes, my heart skipped. Fear. Love. Doubt. Desire. I was sinking. Tears were being pumped. I hid it by resting my head on his shoulder. He knew.

“I can’t speak” he said. “I don’t know the right words to say… but one thing I’m sure of… is that I love you… I have loved you from the moment you were born. Stephanie…”

The sound of my name gave a shrilled feeling to my spines and my loins reacted.

“Once in a year is the… is how we will probably manage to see now, somehow this day was only imagined but now it’s here and we only have to make tonight memorable. I want you in my hands all night.”

Those words are unforgettable, because they led to a memorable night indeed. The left strap of my singlet fell to its side as his lips touched mine. Time passed and I was lost in the moment. We both were aware of only each other. We kept yearning for more. Completely lost in the loins of each other, we heard the room door bang. We jerked around to the audience of no one. We knew we needed to think fast but it hindered our thinking the more. There was someone in the room. Or was it another door and not ours. It was 10p.m, one hour into our night of unforgettable memories; quickly we got our tiny clothes on before mum stepped in. She wasn’t sure what was happening.

“Kilode?”

Our hearts were being chewed up by fear. “Why did Jide storm out like that?”

“I’m finished” my mind repeatedly said. My legs were running out before I realized I needed to go after him. At the gate he was seated in his car, he saw me approaching him but drove off before I could reach him. That’s the end of something. Didn’t know what it was. But I knew this was the end of that road. I had hit the wall, there was probably no escape. Could I fall the walls of Jericho?! His car disappeared from the road and I wondered what could turn the hand of the clock to 9p.m or better still the year 1999 when I was just 12. I had received a slap back to reality. There’s a way that seems right to a man, but its end is destruction. Was Jide going to call my parents tonight? What will he tell them? Is the wedding off? What happens to my brother’s marriage? How will family and friends react to this news if it’s let out? I had lost strength and gone weak with fear. I sat outside. Didn’t know what I had turned to a seat and didn’t care to find out. My future seemed as dark as the night. Very uncertain. I was numb. People were outside. Family I believe. Every question asked, my subconscious registered, but my mouth was too weak to let air through it. My tongue was lazy. The scent of my sins danced around my nostrils. I was floating. On air. Eddy had picked me from the floor and was lifting me back into the house. About an hour back, this act would have put smiles on my face. I closed my eyes. It was a memorable night indeed.

I don’t know how I survived a week but I probably have become a mere vegetable. Lost in regrets. Dead to my existence. I’ve had my share of satisfaction. What can fall this wall and let me keep moving?! Or better still, I wish life can be RE-LIVED.